SERIES A113: RECORDS

[Click.]

HANDLER

Recording Begins. This is Agent Bughaw, March 29, 1967. First interrogation of captive Émile Cigogne.

CIGOGNE

[Cigogne chuckles.]

I will say, I admire your agency's persistence. I'm surprised the last handler did not bring out the torture devices...she was close to strangling me to death in our last interview.

HANDLER

Well...we don't do that here, firstly. Secondly, I'm still impressed you managed to piss her off...She's one of the best interrogators in this agency.

CIGOGNE

I assume you are another one of the agency's best, then?

HANDLER

...I fail to see how this has any relation to our current meeting.

CIGOGNE

Ah, a humble one! In any case, I'm looking forward to seeing how you will eventually give up on me.

HANDLER

...You must find this whole affair nothing more than simple entertainment.

CIGOGNE

Mm. It is a funny little situation to find oneself in. I'm your prisoner, sure. But I'm afraid I cannot...how do you Americans say it...spill the beans? They are simply too important to me, those beans.

HANDLER

Previous interrogations haven't been successful in getting those beans from you...despite us telling you multiple times, that you'll be pardoned for all of your crimes, and you'll be released peacefully...once you tell us what's going on.

CIGOGNE

Mhm, like a broken record...A wonderful tune. I assume you are already familiar with what I have to say about that.

HANDLER

Yes, quite.

CIGOGNE

And yet, you were still sent here to wring the answers out of me.

HANDLER

I assume you're already familiar with the way we do things around here. We're a persistent lot.

CIGOGNE

...Fair enough. Still, if you are as smart as you look, mademoiselle, you are better off wasting your time with your agents than sitting here with me gaining nothing of value for the next hour. Or two.

HANDLER

Oh, I don't know...I can't deny this is a nice change of pace. I wouldn't mind spending my time with you, no high stakes, no stressful missions. Also...I'm quite curious with the things you consider nothing of value.

CIGOGNE

...Mm. I would say it is the information you already know about me. Émile Cigogne, Frenchwoman of mundane descent, did some odd jobs here and there...Currently unemployed...on account of being, well.

[Cigogne chuckles.]

HANDLER

Odd jobs is an unfairly simple way to describe your line of work.

CIGOGNE

[Cigogne chuckles.]

Ah, of course. All the stuff I do on le ordinateur...beep beep boop. You people are so enamored with technology these days...I did what I did just to remind everyone to be careful.

HANDLER

Yes, I suppose that is...a lesson to learn. While I don't...agree, that the issue is as simple as that...I'm not here to discuss if all your previous hacking jobs were just a warning to be careful.

CIGOGNE

Ahah, I'm quite relieved. If you were going to go on a longwinded and, perhaps intelligent, spiel on morality I would have decided to take a little nap here. I mean no offense, agent. Your voice is soothing, and unfortunately, easy to fall asleep to.

HANDLER

No offense taken. I've been told this multiple times. I've never found it insulting. Though, back to the topic... You did make the agency strengthen its digital security system after you hacked into it back in '54. I hadn't been employed back then but...I heard you did a number on the agency's database.

CIGOGNE

Ahh yes, I remember that. I'm rather proud your company has taken the initiative to improve on it ever since. Imagine if it was the same back then...Not that I have any way to know. I hope your R&D friends are taking good care of my equipment, by the way.

HANDLER

Yes, I suppose there is a sliver of light to gain from all this, though I'm sad to say you aren't allowed to find out if that's true...I'll keep it in mind. How are you finding the agency so far?

CIGOGNE

[Pause.]

...What?

HANDLER

I assume this is your first time within the agency's walls. Did you have any expectations of the place, even when you first breached into our data?

CIGOGNE

...Ah, hm.

[Pause.]

...It is just as I expected an agency would look, I suppose. Corporate, efficient, squeaky clean. I was more impressed by the technology you have around here, but I guess that is where the taxpayers' hard earned money goes to. Heh.

...I'll be honest, agent. I've never really thought about how the places I hack into look like. There are maps and security cameras, but I do not always deal with that data.

HANDLER

That's alright. I assumed it was an irrelevant exercise, anyhow. How about when you were captured, did you start wondering then?

CIGOGNE

Ah, I turned myself in, as I'm sure you have heard me say before in some file or other, but—eh, it is not so important. I will admit I was more curious at that point, for obvious reasons.

HANDLER

...I see. Well, how do you find your temporary quarters?

CIGOGNE

[Cigogne scoffs.]

That is an awfully nice way to put it. If you meant my holding cell, then I find it...

...Fine, actually. Aside for the security camera, that is. And maybe the food...but oh, désolé, it is quite bland for my tastes. Otherwise, I was pleasantly surprised to find my bed so comfortable to sleep in.

HANDLER

I'm sorry to hear about the food. But everything else...You don't find it too cramped?

CIGOGNE

Non, not quite. But then again, you would be surprised at how little it takes for me to fall asleep in even the smallest of spaces.

HANDLER

You're...a very tall woman, Cigogne. And I've seen the beds they have down there. I don't think it's all that comfortable for your back...

CIGOGNE

[Pause.]

...And, hypothetically, what if it is a little shitty?

HANDLER

Hm?

CIGOGNE

Are you going to ask your boss for quality adjustments to my cell? So you could be...what is it...

[Cigogne snaps her fingers.]

...oui, you could be all buddy-buddy with me?

HANDLER

...Perhaps.

CIGOGNE

I have been interrogated many times before, agent. My line of work gives me quite a lot of discussions to remember. None of your coworkers may have used that trick on me until now, but I will tell you outright that you will gain nothing from this.

HANDLER

That's settled then. Back to my question—

CIGOGNE

Ay, ay, ay, mademoiselle! What did I just say? Your efforts will be all for nothing, except for me possibly getting a better night's sleep.

HANDLER

...So you do want a more comfortable bed.

CIGOGNE

—um.

HANDLER

Make no mistake, Cigogne. I heard you loud and clear. Whether or not this makes you spill your beans is irrelevant to the fact that you still deserve some accommodations.

CIGOGNE

...Hmm. Now, this sounds like you actually want me to stay. That is a lot of trust to put on me, despite the fact that I could very easily be a mole for the enemy.

HANDLER

I won't deny this is a fairly common sentiment around here. However, you're just simply too important to release.

CIGOGNE

Heh. And I assume you share the same sentiment, then?

HANDLER

I think it's a lot more exciting for you if I choose to keep the answer close to my heart.

CIGOGNE

...Now that is new. And perhaps, quote unquote, exciting. We will have to see how that goes.

HANDLER

I'm glad we can settle on something tonight.

CIGOGNE

Yes of course, and...well. If a new bed is still on the table...

HANDLER

I'll keep it in mind.

CIGOGNE

Merci beaucoup mademoiselle. I can sleep on it fine but it is much too firm for my old bones.

HANDLER

Cigogne, you're only a few years younger than me.

CIGOGNE

Ah! Mademoiselle, I barely noticed. You look quite stunning for your age...Whatever it is.

HANDLER

I'm choosing to take that as a compliment.

CIGOGNE

I may be a little sarcastic at times but I assure you, agent, I was being genuine.

HANDLER

Do you want me to ask R&D to be careful with your toys as well?

CIGOGNE

Oui, s'il vous plait. Not because I'll ever hold them again, but just that—I've tried to repair a few of my colleagues' own gadgets. If you do not know how they make things, things could end up quite...

[Cigogne inhales a breath through her teeth.]

HANDLER

Ugly? I'm sure our engineers are aware of that fact, but I'll let them know anyway. I'm surprised you're concerned for them...

CIGOGNE

Oh, dear, I'd rather not try to implicate myself more, especially now that I have a better bed to look forward to—

Wait, I figured it out.

HANDLER

Figured what out?

CIGOGNE

You are being nice to me...because you want to enlist me as another one of your R&D nerds. Did I crack the case, mademoiselle?

HANDLER

[Pause.]

...I don't think I have...Um...I've actually never considered this option before.

CIGOGNE

...You're kidding.

HANDLER

What an idea, Cigogne.

CIGOGNE

Wait just a second agent—

HANDLER

It's only if you want to, though. I'll have to talk to the Director about it, but...anything recorded by the agency will reach her hands sooner or later.

CIGOGNE

...Everything recorded reaches her hands? All of it?

HANDLER

It's agency policy. And...well...

CIGOGNE

[After a pause, Cigogne clicks her tongue once.]

I do not feel strongly either way, if I'll be honest. However, if the Director wishes that I utilize my quote unquote talents for the agency, I need to ask for one thing in return.

HANDLER

...Which is?

CIGOGNE

To make this exciting, agent, I'll keep it close to my heart too. At least until a definite decision has been made.

HANDLER

[An alarm rings out.]

—Ah, that's our time, unfortunately. I'll have to wrap this up. Thank you for the enlightening interview, Cigogne. If it's alright, perhaps I could ask for another session with you sometime soon?

CIGOGNE

...Yes, I—um.

[Cigogne coughs.]

Mademoiselle, I do not have any other business to attend to in the near future. Just call me anytime you need me.

HANDLER

Thank you. Recording ends.

[Click.]